I shouldn’t have said those things to him…
It obviously was self pity but i still shouldn’t have said it…
I should’ve just kept quiet & let him scold me.. As always..
Why did i choose today to open my mouth?
Why couldn’t i just held it in for another day?!
Now he thinks he’s the one with the problem when it’s so clear that i’m the one with the problem..
I never seem to be able to make him happy..
I don’t know how to be a good gf..
I guess, i’ll never learn to be one..
He wants to leave.. But can’t..
Why?
Why do i keep giving him a chance to leave me?
Why can’t i ever make him happy?
No matter how much i try, it never seems to work…

I’ve always kept everything in..
Always bottled it up..
But why did it all escape, today?!
Why couldn’t i keep it in anymore?!
What’s wrong with me?
Why am i showing my weakness..

He’s so different..
He’s so special..
I’ve never longed to be with anyone so much till i met him..
& yet, i still fuck things up all the time and upset him..
Why am i so fucked up?
Why am i so useless?
I can’t even pick myself up from the gutters.
I can’t even appreciate that Man, who’s going through so much, just to make me happy..

I hate myself..
I hate myself alot… 

Why issit….
Whatever i do..
He never seems to be happy?
It seems like i can never please him, i can never make him happy..
I’m such a disappointment to him..

Should i go?

I know i can’t but…. Should i?
For his happiness?
To see the smile on his face?

Deep down, he feels displeased with something..
I’m guessing it’s about something i’ve said or done..
But what?

What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t i ever keep him happy…

Haiz.. 

I fucked things up.
From the start of the year till now.
I found the right man for myself, no doubt about that but, i’ve been doing NOTHING but piss him off all the fucking time. 
I don’t keep up to my words, i’m so fickle on what i want, i can’t even do a simple thing without getting him upset with me.
In the previous post, i talk so much about RESPONSIBILITY..
Well…. NEWSFLASH SONIA! You’re NOWHERE near that.
I CAN NEVER MAKE ANYONE HAPPY OR PROUD OF ME.

So here, this is me, going all “trying to be matured but still immature in actual fact”.
My words mean Nothing.
I am Nothing. I’m just so worthless.
A bum.
Words are easy; Getting up from my arse to work towards my goals’ the hard part.

What do i want in life?
Do i even deserve him?
Why am i making him suffer so much?
Why am i such a disappointment to him, my parents & myself?

Haiz…. :/ 

I’ve been on hiatus from Tumblr for quite some time now.. Well, i guess i needed time away from all this and focus more on my LIFE now.. 
Ahh well, this past few months, i’ve realised that alot’s been going on. In my life, among my friends, among family. Well, everything was just an eye opener to me. It was just a huge wake up call…

Anyways, i went for a job interview earlier today, nailed the interview, GOT THE JOB. So yeaa, after school it’s work & then it’s home. MONEY is a major issue as it is, least i’d wanna do is burden my parents more than i already have. I guess it’s time i start focusing on my future aspects, saving money for rainy days, stop being so relaxed in everything. It’s time, i take charge, stand up, do something worthwhile rather than afew people (names will not be mentioned for obvious reasons) that i know. 

Besides, with a boyfriend like mine, supporting my decision in everyway, helping me see that “there’s more to life than the just FUN”, making me realise that, at the rate i was going, i was gonna end up like some people i know. I really appreciate all he’s done & said. All he’s went through to see me happy. All the scoldings & lectures. I really, really, love him alot.

I just needed an outlet to write a few stuffs, guess this is all. 

Till the next time i randomly decide to post something, 

SAYONARA!

Sonia Lourdes.